On June 12th, I learned we were pregnant again.
In the first week of this new knowledge I was a whirlwind of emotions.
Last week I found my words and shared the story of our second loss.
Today I'm hitting publish on the first post I wrote after seeing those double lines, June 13th at 5:45am.
My first thoughts on this pregnancy...
My heart is so heavy. I need to share.
I'm not sure when I will hit publish on this one, but I don't want what I am feeling right now to go undocumented. So, I'm writing.
Yesterday morning I woke up and did a little math. It's been two weeks of weekend trips away anticipating the start of my period. I just knew it would start any minute. My body was showing all the signs. Yet for two weeks-nothing.
My cycle has been a little out of whack since our loss in January, but not anything grossly different. A few days here and there, but generally speaking, my cycle is a short 21 days.
Imagine my surprise when I made myself sit down yesterday morning with a calendar and count...30 days since my last cycle.
There is no way.
The girls and I needed to go into town anyway, so Target was our first stop. I distracted them as I grabbed a test. It took everything in me not to pay and go right to the Target bathroom. Instead, we continued on our errands, then finally made it home. I ran to the bathroom, then went back to unloading groceries and waited.
Plain as day- two lines. One faint. One dark.
My heart sank.
Breadwinner doesn't want anymore children. He was fairly confident he didn't want anymore before we got pregnant last November. The loss combined with last weeks trip to the ER with Kennedy sealed the deal for him. He's been anxious to get 'fixed' for some time now.
I knew this would not be exciting news for him. I wasn't sure it was exciting for me. I've been so unhappy with my body, and know a pregnancy will only exacerbate the parts I'm least thrilled with. And then there is the more important fact- I don't feel like a good mom. I yell. A LOT. I am not patient enough with my girls. Several times since January the thought has crossed my mind that God took that precious baby because I can't handle mothering another child.
I contemplated not telling Breadwinner for a while. I mean, what if God takes this baby, too? He certainly can't handle another loss. I'm not good at keeping secrets, so shortly after dinner last night I told him. My suspicions were correct. His reaction was not good.
My heart sank.
The last several weeks have been busy. And stressful. And I've been drinking. Now I'm pregnant. And scared. What if I hurt this baby before I even knew it existed?
I keep feeling tiny twinges in my belly. It makes me think something is wrong. Maybe it's because this baby already doesn't feel loved. Doesn't feel wanted. Have I hurt this baby?
This morning I woke up with a huge feeling of guilt. 5am and I was wide awake.
Guilt that I don't love this baby enough. Or at all. Guilt that other women long for the moment they see two lines...the same two lines that made me cringe.
I'm having a baby.
A precious and incredible miracle.
I'm having a baby.
I want to be happy. I want to shout at the top of my lungs.
I want to tell the world.
I want to know everything will be OK.
I want to see that tiny heart beating.
I want ten fingers and ten toes.
I want to hear that precious first cry.
God gave me a gift.
I want to love this gift.
I don't want to be afraid.