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Monday, July 16, 2012

6 weeks

On June 12th, I learned we were pregnant again.
In the first week of this new knowledge I was a whirlwind of emotions.
Last week I found my words and shared the story of our second loss.
Yesterday I shared my first thoughts from June 13th.
Today, the final post I wrote when we were 6 weeks on June 23rd.
It may seem silly, but I feel called to hit publish on all these posts and share. Praying my story reaches and helps someone else. At minimum, it's a way for me to reflect back on the less than perfect times in my life and remember God held me up through it all.

June 23rd 11:14pm I first drafted this...

 From the moment I saw those two lines I've been thinking of all the creative ways I can share with my family and friends, you- that I'm pregnant. Our family is growing.
I want to SHOUT and tell the world. There is a person growing inside of me! Another little person in our family. Is it that baby boy everyone else thinks we need? Is it another beautiful girl?
I've been planning out what the baby's room will look like.
Reading all about my blog and real life friends who are pregnant and delivering their very own babies. I so want to just say, oh- any chance you want to well those fabulous maternity clothes when you are done? Or oh- let's talk about our due dates.
But I'm scared.
We decided to wait. At least until we go to the doctor.
July 2nd.
It's been the absolute longest weeks of my life.
I keep dreaming of the image on the ultrasound. I can't see it in my dreams. 
I want to see a healthy jumping bean.
But I fear...I fear what I saw in January.
An empty womb.
It's crushing.
To know. To feel there is a life growing inside you, and to be's not there.
I cried once. No twice.
The first time I cried I was watching Grey's Anatomy. Merideth thought she lost Zola, and a social worker opened the door with her. She had her baby. I cried. I was waiting for blood work to come back. I was praying the numbers were higher. Praying my baby was there. Growing. The way she should be. I thought she was a girl. Kennedy still swears mommy had twins in her tummy. I prayed I would get my baby. Then I cried again- at church that Sunday. When I was waiting again, but felt God telling me he took her. We were singing...."he gives and takes away, he gives and takes heart will choose to stay...Lord blessed be your name". I sang it. I sobbed it. I meant it. I know it was all for His glory. I don't understand it. Still. But I know it was His plan.

Tonight, I cry again. As I type. I took a photo today.

I wanted to start documenting this baby. I fear I will lose him.
I think he's a boy. And I love him. I'm scared- I don't know what to do with boys- but I love him.
I want him to know he was loved. So very loved, so early on. I'm not sure what the turning point was. From fear to guilt to love. But I love this baby. So much. I fear another empty womb.
Four pregnancy tests over a week's time all declared the baby is there. Why would I question.
Why would I question God's plan?
Breadwinner and I agreed- this is it. Our last pregnancy. No matter what. In his mind, he was done- December was a compromise. Now, this is a gift. The last one. Why do I fear God will take this gift? 
More than anything I fear the aftermath.
Will I crawl into a hole? Will that trigger the mental illness that runs in my family?
Will it be the be the end of my marriage? How will I explain it to the girls? Mommy had another baby in her tummy. That baby is in heaven, too.
I know it is reality for so many women.
Tonight. I'm crying at the thought of becoming one.
I need to see my baby. 8 more days.
They could be the longest 8 days of my life.


lauren@warmandfuzzy said...

((hugs)) to you.
I have two boys.
We lost our 5th pregnancy (a surprise) 3 weeks ago.
I now want another baby more than words can say. I hope that I can convince my hubby to have just one more.
Thinking happy thoughts for you!

Mama 2 Charlie n' Jack said...

I love you Meagan. For what it's worth, I am mourning with you. I wish I could make it all better for you, I wish I could give you a big ole hug. Sometimes I mourn the baby (babies?) that never grew in my tummy. But then I look at the glorious gift of adoption God has given us and my tears turn into tears of joy. God has a plan, even when it doesn't make sense and its horrible, heartbreaking, and sad, sad, sad. Doesn't make it any easier, but I know he has marvelous things in store for you and your precious family. Love you :)

Rachel @ Polka Dots and Lemonade said...

Thank you so much for sharing, Meagan. While I can't truly understand the heartache of losing a baby, I do know that sharing this much requires so much bravery. Thinking about you, praying for you, and feeling happy for you!

Heather @ Glitter and Gloss said...

Big hugs, mama!