Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I woke up this morning feeling different.
I felt like the Lord was laying something on my heart and I need to share.
I want to be honest.
All the time.
The blog Meagan, the twitter Meagan, the REAL life Meagan- should all be the same.
ALL the time.
I want you to know me. If you are here- it needs to be for the real me.
Good, bad, or otherwise.
Lately, I'm struggling with how I feel. How to share.
Since Christmas, things have been different.
I am different.
I can hear and see God working in my life in ways I was blind to before.
I also hear and see myself clearly ignoring his calling. That's tough.
It's one thing to feel like God isn't talking to you. Isn't giving you the answers you need.
It's another to hear them. See them. and Ignore them.
I don't want to ignore them anymore. So here I am today.
I'm not perfect. I do my best, but I make mistakes.
I don't always think before I speak.
Sometimes, I don't have something nice to say, but I say it anyway.
I yell at my kids- more than I probably should.
My house isn't always clean.
My checking account isn't always overflowing.
More often than not, laundry is piled up somewhere. Sometimes clean, sometimes dirty.
I'm still afraid of the dark sometimes.
I bite my nails when I'm nervous, or excited.
To everything. On everything. I'm always late.
Sometimes I wear my jeans button unbuttoned because it's easier to eat whatever I want, complain about my body changing, but not do anything about it.
I'm jealous. Of people who are thinner than me, have prettier spaces than mine, nicer clothes than mine, better skin than mine. I'm jealous. I compare myself to them, or my perception of them.
I KNOW that Jesus died on the cross. I KNOW his blood shed is enough to save me from eternal life in flames. I KNOW I am forgiven, but I struggle to believe it or act on it. I let my past, or my bad decisions eat at me. Make me feel like I'm not worthy of His love.
I know that I am not perfect. I know that I don't have to be.
But I have to be ME.
The same me- all the time.
That is what you get here.
I may not always agree with you. I may not agree with the majority. I may not always say the things you want to hear, but I will always be honest. I will always be the real me.
Please hold me to that.
If you see me, or hear me, or read me and don't believe it's me. Don't believe it's the me I'm striving to be- call me out. Send me an email, pick up the phone.
I am not perfect.
But I always want to be authentic.
I always want to me the real me.
*the photo is not related to the post. I just can't get enough of these gorgeous desert sunsets and needed to share